By Hannah Reimer
My palms are sweating, nausea spreads through my stomach, and a knot rises in my throat. I can feel the man creeping up behind me from his hiding place in the corner of the women’s bathroom and pushing me into the stall.
But I am not physically at the study abroad club in Salamanca, Spain, where the sexual assault took place. Instead, I am sitting in a therapist’s office with headphones on my head and pulsating sensors in my hands. I reassure myself that I am safe and that the vivid memories, images, and feelings are a result of the alternating tone and vibrations being sent through my body as part of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy.
After pausing briefly, I close my eyes again to a flood of memories and sensations. Over the course of the next hour I relive moments from the weeks following the assault when I felt most shocked and helpless in a foreign country so far from home. Troubling memories of needing a male advocate to make the policemen listen to me, spikes of anger and confusion overtaking me just from feeling the gaze of a man on the street, struggling to find a voice in English and in Spanish, and feeling alone, ashamed, and helpless with the hot sun beating down on me, numb to the European beauty all around me.
When I was first told about EMDR as a technique that could help address issues relating to extreme anxiety, I did not understand how moving my eyes back and forth or listening to a bilateral tone could possibly help. But a doctor explained to me that when a traumatic event occurs, information processing might be disrupted, leaving the memory dysfunctionally stored without appropriate associative connections [1]. So when the memory was triggered in my early EMDR sessions, I experienced emotional distress and relived the physical sensations related to the assault. As the sessions progressed, the intensity of the memory lessened and I began to explore other experiences over the last few years that related to the residual emotional effects.
The goal of EMDR therapy is to lessen the negative associations of a traumatic experience as memories are processed over the course of several sessions. Next, the negative emotions, beliefs, and sensations are replaced by a positive belief about oneself. Profound cognitive insights help create frameworks for future adaptive behaviors that are a healthier response to stressors.
Targeting some of the lingering emotional effects of a sexual assault that occurred almost three years ago has been a large step forward for me personally in reclaiming my sexuality and sense of control. Prior to EMDR therapy, I had only addressed the issues stemming from experiences with predatory men at a logical level. Being an advocate for consensual, safe relationships and reading large amounts of feminist literature confirmed what I already knew - that I was not at fault for what happened. But simply checking the box at doctors’ offices that I had experienced a sexual assault, right next to the box that said I had no known allergies or shortness of breath, furthered my tendency to bury my feelings. Only when the negative emotions bubbled up to where I could no longer control them through rational thinking did I stop and ask how this was affecting my relationships or shaping how I thought of myself.
EMDR therapy helped me realize my desire to have a stronger voice and to learn to be more assertive in all areas of my life. As a white, heterosexual female, I realize my story does not speak to the added complexities that LGBT people and women of color may face, but I hope it resounds with those who have experienced sexual assault, helps educate people about its long-term emotional effects, and offers the courage to seek help for a healthier, happier, and more confident future.
Hannah Reimer is a University of Michigan business school senior and Spanish major.